What happens when God, an Atheist, and a Jew walk into a conference room?

My meeting with God went quite well actually. I partook in the usual small talk, asking about his son, how his sister-in-law was doing, what his friend, Nick, was up to, etc. etc. etc. Then the Jew came in and droned on and on about our numbers and figures and how we need to work harder before she finally left to go play online poker in her office. You get the picture. A normal Tuesday meeting.

At approximately half past three, everything went to hell.

You see, when God, an Atheist, and a Jew walk into a conference room, not much happens. But when you throw Satan into the mix, things get, shall we say, interesting.

At approximately half past three on that otherwise uneventful Tuesday afternoon, Satan appeared in the conference room. It was supposed to be his day off, but as everyone already knows, Satan is not one to follow a schedule. The amount of times I’ve seen that man forget what time it is and work until 4 in the morning is astounding. And of course our boss, the Jew, goes on and on about how great Satan is and how much work he gets done and how we should all improve our work ethic to be like Satan and blah blah blah. And obviously God tries to suck up to our boss and he works a bit overtime, maybe until 10 or 11, but at some point even he just gets too tired. I go home at 5. I ain’t losing sleep for this hell-hole of a company.

Where was I? Oh right, so Satan walked into the conference room. Now, a little thing to know about Satan. Basically he has this small but extremely inconvenient habit whereby anything he touches spontaneously combusts. We work at a paper company. Half of the reason I leave on time is because I’m not wasting my energy on a paper company. The other half is because I can’t bear to stand and watch in second hand embarrassment as the firefighters come in for the sixth time that day to hose the building down. The town has built a second fire station right next door to our building after we had 66 fires in six days.

Anyway, Satan walked into the conference room, looking red as ever, half of him hidden underneath an unnecessarily long cloak. 

“How are you doing, Satan?” God asked. 

“Well… I uh… someone left some paper out… and I couldn’t find my gloves… and now –“ The smell of burning paper started to fill the room. 

“God damn you Satan!” I yelled, flashing a quick apologetic look at God. “Is that money I smell burning away?” Oh crap, our boss can smell it too. “No just the carpet!” we exclaimed in unison. Our boss’s voice grew louder: “If I open this door and see my merchandise on fire again, I swear to you Satan, I’m throwing you out!” Immediately, God grabbed his water bottle and sprinted out the conference room, throwing water over the burning papers. Just as the last flame died out, our boss swung open her door. “Satan! I hate to do this to you, but I swear to God, if you ––” She took a moment to look around the soggy room. “Where’s the fire?” “No fire, ma’am,” God replied, “Just spilled some water is all.” After taking another quick glance at all of our faces, the boss shut her door and continued playing her online poker game. I can’t stand to spend another 90 minutes with these people.

About an hour later the fire department arrived for the fifth time that day. I decided to finish work early, partially because I was tired, partially because my boss fired me for throwing a lit match at one of her employees.

Category: Funny Stories

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